Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Worms in the Ear (Update)

My latest prose tale of the terrifying, Worms in the Ear, will appear in the January 2014 issue of Under the Bed.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Fuller K. LaRouche – The Clown Vagabond of Vaginal Irritation

Fuller K. LaRouche; the performance artist, the fully functioning dope fiend and the matador. Fuller K. LaRouche; the agent provocateur, the published writer and the human being.
Fuller K. LaRouche, the artist, again assaults America’s Puritan conscience with his illicit illustrations in pop culture evisceration – namely his seminal piece on post-neorealist feminism and hip hop as interpreted by the urban artisanal set - the subtly titled Pork Ribs in my Vagina

Curated by the Master himself and interpreted by a coven of upper middle class white Midwestern witch transplants to Brooklyn, Pork Ribs in my Vagina is a devious sort of revolution in the guise of the “art show”, a veritable celebration of both the vagina and comfort food and Americana as all three collide both literally and metaphorically in a benign, quasi-Marxist exultation of occult desires and culinary deviations.

Fuller K. LaRouche, the lunatic shaman and post-apocalyptic poet has once again realigned the universe – Pork Ribs in my Vagina will forever redefine the way in which our society interprets the penetration of our species’ most valued organ.   

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Rejection Letter Game

To the victims of slush pile jockeys and sadistic editors worldwide...Never forget...


14 points if you actually did read the magazine/review before submitting

18 points if the rejection has a request to like their Facebook or follow their Twitter 

30 points if the rejection letter arrives an entire year after the original submission

8 points if the rejection letter contains a sentence written in passive voice  

19 points if you didn't actually simultaneously submit elsewhere

42 points if you specifically wrote your story for that particular anthology/magazine

11 points if the rejecting editor has a goatee

-10 points if the rejection actually contains genuine constructive criticism

16 points if the rejection letter contains multiple sentences written in passive voice

25 points if you receive a personal (not automated) chiding for not following an arcane submission requirement

14 points if you receive the exact same copied and pasted rejection a second time

40 points if you didn't even realize a story you long since gave up on was still "in consideration"

Saturday, November 30, 2013

The Year's Best Schlock! Horror 2013

In case your craving to consume has not yet been sated, Gavin Chappell of Schlock! has assembled another gang of motley misfits and miscreants for The Year's Best Schlock! Horror 2013.

My despotic tale of datura and desire, Mr. Baron Samedi, is included.

Dinner Parties, Sino-Indian Relations and Bulgarian Prostitutes - Notes from a Traveler

In a recent edition of Notes I indicated my staunch refusal to learn the most basic phrases in foreign languages – however this is not entirely true. 

Abroad, amongst foreigners, I refuse to speak anything other than English but at home, amongst polite company, I am given to the occasional quotation, clever turn of phrase or et patati et patata documenting, my, if you will, touha cestovatelská. 

I have frequently used the aformentioned phrases although not accurately, as I do not know what they mean.

I would recommend all self-respecting travelers to crash a dinner party, family reunion or baby shower in order to corner a vulnerable guest and establish your inherent authority by relaying tales of travel (preferably to Europe) - salted and peppered, of course, with enchanting local vocabulary...

The most family friendly of the two results for "blow up doll" on Wikimedia Commons

Through the years I have entertained a long, strange and frequently dangerous game of one-upmanship with Ricky Rakubian, a charming rogue whom I consider the sub-continental Chuck Borgia.

As competing playboys, adventurers and generalized international misfits our long and storied rivalry started as mere schoolboy shenanigans but peaked in 1973 whenever a blow up doll prank nearly resulted in a second Sino-Indian War...

The 14th result for "clip joint" on Wikimedia Commons. Sexual pleasure mechanism, marijuana paraphernalia or German laboratory equipment - you be the judge

I cut my teeth in the Yakuza clip joints of Kabukichō, and as such have become something of a consultant for several well-known organized criminal organizations in the management of quasi-illegal fleshpots and titty bars from Chongquing to Burger King.

For the occasional exotic concubine, I, of course, rely upon the services of my resident procurer, Sven Svensen of the Stockholm Natural History Museum – however I understand that the casual tourist is not able to afford the monthly charges of a licensed, reliable and experienced Swedish procurer.

I would suggest caution in approaching the dive bars just a hop, skip and a jump away from the touristy parts of Western European cities – if the watered down cocktail and Russian bouncers aren’t enough to warrant a red flag, the Bulgarian and North African beauties who show an immediate and unrealistic interest in you should be...

Friday, November 29, 2013

Worms in the Ear

My latest exercise in the eldritch, Worms in the Ear, will appear in an upcoming edition of Under the Bed magazine.

If, like me, you enjoy the holiday season but are not willing to rabbit punch the elderly or trample strangers for the latest Cabbage Patch Kid, take note - each issue is available to be purchased in the safety and security of your own home on your Nook or Kindle for just $3.99. 

The third search result for "trample" on Wikipedia

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Improvised Bludgeons, Expired Condoms and the British Broadcasting Corporation - Notes from a Traveler

International alcoholics, take note - polite society would frown upon passing out with a bottle of whiskey within reach, and yet I can more than vouch for its efficacy as an improvised bludgeon…

If you find yourself coming-to in a foreign land hungover off a nasty drugging (whether unsolicited or self-administered) you likely will have lost items including but not limited to money, shoes, passports and visas.

As your local embassy will be of little use, I would personally recommend the lost art of pick-pocketing on public transit – namely, the tried and true “newspaper method” in which a carefully positioned paper (preferably The Sun or its local equivalent) obscures hands roving through your neighbors’ pockets and purses. 

I recently liberated (and later utilized) a book of matches, Kč 700, a piece of butterscotch hard candy and an expired condom from the coat of a vulgar Belgian on the tramvaj in Prague using this technique...

The personal ad columns have long since been a perverse frontier inhabited by those sad and lonely hearts who dare to dream. And yet, as I recently found after some measure of embarrassment, “BBC” as found in the personals does not stand for “British Broadcasting Corporation”...