Saturday, November 30, 2013

Dinner Parties, Sino-Indian Relations and Bulgarian Prostitutes - Notes from a Traveler

In a recent edition of Notes I indicated my staunch refusal to learn the most basic phrases in foreign languages – however this is not entirely true. 

Abroad, amongst foreigners, I refuse to speak anything other than English but at home, amongst polite company, I am given to the occasional quotation, clever turn of phrase or et patati et patata documenting, my, if you will, touha cestovatelská. 

I have frequently used the aformentioned phrases although not accurately, as I do not know what they mean.

I would recommend all self-respecting travelers to crash a dinner party, family reunion or baby shower in order to corner a vulnerable guest and establish your inherent authority by relaying tales of travel (preferably to Europe) - salted and peppered, of course, with enchanting local vocabulary...

The most family friendly of the two results for "blow up doll" on Wikimedia Commons

Through the years I have entertained a long, strange and frequently dangerous game of one-upmanship with Ricky Rakubian, a charming rogue whom I consider the sub-continental Chuck Borgia.

As competing playboys, adventurers and generalized international misfits our long and storied rivalry started as mere schoolboy shenanigans but peaked in 1973 whenever a blow up doll prank nearly resulted in a second Sino-Indian War...

The 14th result for "clip joint" on Wikimedia Commons. Sexual pleasure mechanism, marijuana paraphernalia or German laboratory equipment - you be the judge

I cut my teeth in the Yakuza clip joints of Kabukichō, and as such have become something of a consultant for several well-known organized criminal organizations in the management of quasi-illegal fleshpots and titty bars from Chongquing to Burger King.

For the occasional exotic concubine, I, of course, rely upon the services of my resident procurer, Sven Svensen of the Stockholm Natural History Museum – however I understand that the casual tourist is not able to afford the monthly charges of a licensed, reliable and experienced Swedish procurer.

I would suggest caution in approaching the dive bars just a hop, skip and a jump away from the touristy parts of Western European cities – if the watered down cocktail and Russian bouncers aren’t enough to warrant a red flag, the Bulgarian and North African beauties who show an immediate and unrealistic interest in you should be...

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