Thursday, July 11, 2013

Human Auctions, Pervert-Tourists and Saved by the Bell: The College Years - Notes from a Traveler

I had been contracted to find and rescue the oracle of Siam. After many considerable bribes, I had found myself on a mostly deserted island in Micronesia that still furnished rusting Hirohito-era Japanese military equipment.

This is where I encountered one Rusty McDonagall. No pictures of him remain, but he was a dead ringer for Bob Golic as Mike the Resident Advisor on Saved by the Bell: The College Years (as pictured above).

The oracle of Siam was featured as a piece of flesh merchandise in a human auction, and I found myself surrounded by mercenaries, slave traders, rogues, scoundrels and upper echelon members of the KGB.

I went tit for tat with McDonagall in bidding for the Siamese oracle to acquire her freedom and, of course, to obtain the significant bounty from concerned parties. I had figured McDonagall to be a wealthy Western pervert-tourist, but he too was seeking the same bounty from the same concerned parties.

After we had exhausted ourselves, a deviant member of a sheik oligarchy went over our heads and purchased her. I can't say where she is now, but I do know that neither McDonagall or myself received the significant bounty.

I met McDonagall again in the Australian outback four years afterward, and we laughed about our tragic misunderstanding over a round of frosty beers.

Rusty now has nine children and an obese Belgian wife. He and his wife currently do the Lord's work as Mormon missionaries in rural Sudan, and I wish them the best.

Monday, July 8, 2013

A Portrait of a Mad Messiah - Fuller K. LaRouche

Update Update: Still working on

Fuller K. LaRouche has a tender, nearly indescribable sensitivity. The velvety sensations of his prose and poetry are a benign cancer; even as he metaphorically fornicates with your mother, whispering sweet nothings, he is Legion in his diabolical compassion.

Fuller K. LaRouche is a lover, and a demon. Fuller K. LaRouche’s work is evocative of the warmth of the womb, and yet he is a destroyer of the worst sort – a destroyer given to belligerent compassion. His latest torch song to the forests of Alberta, the subtly titled Masturbation in a Log Cabin, has won numerous awards and yet the blind, ignorant masses continue to ignore this Christ-like pariah of both the written and spoken word.

He began his formidable career as an urchin on the cruel streets of Calgary, but truly made his mark after his role in the long running feminist play and veritable menstrual manifesto, The Menarche Party. From there he turned his acting talents to a controversial play which he himself directed and wrote, Mommy Please Castrate Me. 

A diminutive figure, in Mommy LaRouche played an insolent dwarf with an addiction to lactation who regularly tricked and guilted would-be mothers into breastfeeding him. Due to very real acts of teet sucking on stage, as well as the very cruel punishment his character receives at the end, the play was banned after a brief, disastrous run in Saskatchewan.  

Mommy Please Castrate Me solidified LaRouche as a genuine West Canadian l'enfant terrible – however his career as a performance artist was just beginning. His seminal poem, You’ve Just Had Mind Intercourse with a Pterodactyl, won several awards in 2006. The poem, a classic of Canadian neo-real-surrealism, is not so much a screed describing the sexual angst of a dinosaur as an existentialist ejaculation against contemporary societal mores. Confirming his status as a devil child, LaRouche dialed several thousands of random telephone numbers to read this masterpiece of the maligned. 

The resulting panic from this, said to cause symptoms ranging from paranoia to palpitations to priapisms, resulted in numerous fines, however LaRouche was undaunted. After staging a revival of Mommy Please Castrate Me throughout the American South, which met both considerable praise and damnation, he turned his attention toward the as-before-unviolated genre of relationship-horror. 

His facetious facsimile of post-modern infatuation and decay, Lusting Monsters, and their Dance of the Dead, has received numerous accolades. Ever the miscreant, LaRouche made news in 2011 after an act of self-flagellation on the streets of Vancouver accompanied by an analog recording of cats screeching. In June of 2013, LaRouche held a one man play at a modern art museum in Finland. The conclusion of the play garnered much interest – specifically a scene in which LaRouche extracts from his rectum a piece of papyrus concerning the upcoming end of the world, which LaRouche indicates will occur on or near July 9th, 2021.