Saturday, July 21, 2012


I have had much difficulty overcoming my acute and unnatural loathing for all things Finnish, and have long considered the glum mountain dwellers as abominations descended from miscreants. I have always found a special kind of abhorrence in fjords, and have woken up screaming from nightmares of Lapp children singing. 

For years I had attributed my irrational fear as a reaction to Finland’s high literacy rate and yet only later discovered that my lifelong phobia was a direct result of an artifact in my possession since childhood, an idol from a bear worshiping Sami cult.  

The unique hex conjured by a long dead shaman had caused the previous two owners - a Russian anthropologist and a Spanish museum curator - to go quite mad. The curse starts with mild Finnophobia, with the victim eventually succumbing to feverish dreams of reindeer herds and contemporary Finnish power metal.
After piecing together the intricate puzzle I successfully lifted the curse by returning the idol to its rightful owners in the Arctic Circle. 

I still find the throaty traditional joik singing style of the Lapps to be second only to the death rattle in terms of sheer audio horror, but I am now a Finnophobe in recovery. 

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