Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Venutian Sex Education

The vagaries of Venutian venereal diseases no doubt played some role in the suppression of that particular 1976 episode of Match Game – the seminal television classic so fondly remembered by enthusiasts of ribald tomfoolery, double entendres and Charles Nelson Reilly.

I allegedly appeared in the episode myself as a guest panelist, as I entertained at the time a minor and dubious celebrity as a result of the still controversial Marrakesh Affair. As the episode in question has not only completely vanished but supposedly never existed, I cannot confirm or deny my participation.

The threads of research that are available indicate that the episode was not without the usual hullabaloos – including but limited to crass blankety blanks, public drunkenness, as well as a fist fight between a certain science fiction icon and a former child star which was ultimately edited from the broadcast.

For all intents and purposes this episode was not unlike any other from the show’s storied run in the 1970’s – apart of course from its peculiar disappearance. Many episodes were lost due to eaten videotapes or bawdy behavior and yet this episode was not banned due to some mere accident or act of censorship, but something far more sinister.

While the vast majority of its North American viewing audience was enjoying the reliably entertaining hijinks of Match Game something unusual was occurring in a television market in Saskatchewan – a signal hijack from unknown sources.

The actual footage - as best described as the possible work of Dadaist perverts, genuine humanoid entities or a cosmic conspiracy of lunatics – was said to resemble something not unlike an extradimensional sex education film – little green men putting their ________ into ________. 

Regardless of what the signal hijack did or did not contain, or who was indeed responsible, the video feed reportedly had maddening effects upon viewers ranging from seizures to paranoia to madness. Indeed, one particular town on the northern fringes of the province was said to have been besieged by an abnormal frenzy of aberrant behavior said to include cannibalism.

In spite of the localized nature of the mass hysteria all copies the Match Game episode itself are believed to have been destroyed.

This, of course, is all mere speculation. And yet I have little doubt that somewhere amongst the many towns and peaceful hamlets dotting the frozen Canadian prairie there remains at least one tape containing the said footage.

A Brief Youtube History of Match Game

A Brief Youtube History of Signal Hijacks

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