Monday, March 10, 2014

Fuller K. LaRouche – The Demonic Dictator of a Dystopic Diocese




In his trademarked beret and poncho, Fuller K. LaRouche embodies the contemporary sexual guerilla – a narcissistic, masochistic conquistador of suppressed desires. LaRouche – the nearly autistic partisan of this generation’s suburban milieu – has enlightened Brooklyn (and displaced more than a few natives) with his newest designs in the depraved – Human Ant Farm.

LaRouche has broken the mold for the art show in kidnapping a herd of genuine Mongolian tribesmen and bringing them to Western civilization – only to force them to coexist in a commune with bourgeoisie performance artists behind a two way mirror (all to the delight and dismay of passerbys). 

LaRouche, the clown pope of the perpetually offended, skirts and rejects the controversy stemming from this human trafficking incident by rightfully defending his work as an obtuse exercise in bimodalism – which is to say, a gruesome compare and contrast between the metaphysical frustration and oblivion of both Central Asian nomads and contemporary American artists.

The result is simply, and unadulteratedly, outstanding. Although this neo-Dadaist human zoo has nearly resulted in several homicides and a decapitation, LaRouche plans on not only seeing the exhibit through for the duration of the spring, but also on abducting another indigenous tribe for a similar exhibit in Berlin which will feature mimes and amputee circus performers.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Count Drunkula and the 3-Dimensional Wolf Boy



This October - that beloved season of witching, warlocking and werewolving - I am delighted to present another guest blogger who will present five tales of the terrifying. 

Unfortunately it will not be the good Dr. von Gastly, who is undergoing both an extensive medical license review and a nasty malpractice suit due to his rather, ahem, unconventional techniques.

Count Drunkula and his codependent sidekick, the 3-Dimensional Wolf Boy, but mostly Count Drunkula, will unveil a litany of lewd and lascivious cinema – a marathon, if you will, of obscure films no longer extant and lost to history. 

The B-movie horror host and his assistant, formerly of KXFP in Kenosha, Wisconsin – were recently paroled for charges stemming from an incident back in Halloween, 1981. 


The duo, having been terminated from their positions as the resident masters of ceremonies after the cancellation of Kenosha’s own Late Nite Horror Hijinks - hijacked the KXFP airwaves on October 31st, 1981 for a 17 hour unsolicited horror marathon that ultimately ended in a standoff and shootout with the Wisconsin State Police.

Who better to host a list of the most unnatural and unnerving films never known to general audiences than this deranged duo? This All Hallow’s Eve prepare for another installment of Tales of the Mad and the Macabre.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

That Damned Goat


My latest dalliance with the demonic, That Damned Goat, appears in the February 23rd, 2014 edition of Schlock!.

I have yet to find a creditable online vendor willing to shill my merchandise; including but not limited to various trinkets of my travels such as shrunken heads, genuine hoodoo dolls, and discounted freak show paraphernalia.

However, you can buy a t-shirt containing the helpful Damned Goat infographic/flow chart above - guaranteed to confound and horrify your friends and employer.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Fuller K. LaRouche - Female Ejaculation in a Mobile Home



The exquisite demon child, Fuller K. LaRouche, has again shocked the censors and uprooted the bourgeoisie with an arthouse cinema classic for our current malaise – Female Ejaculation in a Mobile Home.

LaRouche, in his cosmic wisdom (and with significant funding from the nearly insolvent Portuguese government) has crafted a wonderful story of a racist Wyoming bank teller who drowns her children, abandons her husband, and finds a true feminist calling in the former Soviet Republic as a wet nurse. Upon arriving in a primitive commune and being forced to marathon nurse hundreds of babes, our proud heroine elopes with a mustachioed yet sensitive police captain cum women’s rights activist, who escorts her to Turkey. After their arrival in Ankara, the police captain abandons her for his own calling in competitive beard growing.

This Medean tale of tragedy will not be found in your local, corporate, mouth-breathing multiplex – nay, LaRouche would never sully his reputation as an artistic outsider by creating a film that elicited entertainment and joy rather than guilt, confusion, and generalized alienation.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Worms in the Ear (Update)


My latest prose tale of the terrifying, Worms in the Ear, will appear in the January 2014 issue of Under the Bed.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Fuller K. LaRouche – The Clown Vagabond of Vaginal Irritation




Fuller K. LaRouche; the performance artist, the fully functioning dope fiend and the matador. Fuller K. LaRouche; the agent provocateur, the published writer and the human being.
 
Fuller K. LaRouche, the artist, again assaults America’s Puritan conscience with his illicit illustrations in pop culture evisceration – namely his seminal piece on post-neorealist feminism and hip hop as interpreted by the urban artisanal set - the subtly titled Pork Ribs in my Vagina

Curated by the Master himself and interpreted by a coven of upper middle class white Midwestern witch transplants to Brooklyn, Pork Ribs in my Vagina is a devious sort of revolution in the guise of the “art show”, a veritable celebration of both the vagina and comfort food and Americana as all three collide both literally and metaphorically in a benign, quasi-Marxist exultation of occult desires and culinary deviations.

Fuller K. LaRouche, the lunatic shaman and post-apocalyptic poet has once again realigned the universe – Pork Ribs in my Vagina will forever redefine the way in which our society interprets the penetration of our species’ most valued organ.   

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Rejection Letter Game

To the victims of slush pile jockeys and sadistic editors worldwide...Never forget...

 

14 points if you actually did read the magazine/review before submitting

18 points if the rejection has a request to like their Facebook or follow their Twitter 

30 points if the rejection letter arrives an entire year after the original submission

8 points if the rejection letter contains a sentence written in passive voice  

19 points if you didn't actually simultaneously submit elsewhere

42 points if you specifically wrote your story for that particular anthology/magazine

11 points if the rejecting editor has a goatee

-10 points if the rejection actually contains genuine constructive criticism

16 points if the rejection letter contains multiple sentences written in passive voice

25 points if you receive a personal (not automated) chiding for not following an arcane submission requirement

14 points if you receive the exact same copied and pasted rejection a second time

40 points if you didn't even realize a story you long since gave up on was still "in consideration"

Saturday, November 30, 2013

The Year's Best Schlock! Horror 2013


In case your craving to consume has not yet been sated, Gavin Chappell of Schlock! has assembled another gang of motley misfits and miscreants for The Year's Best Schlock! Horror 2013.

My despotic tale of datura and desire, Mr. Baron Samedi, is included.


Dinner Parties, Sino-Indian Relations and Bulgarian Prostitutes - Notes from a Traveler




In a recent edition of Notes I indicated my staunch refusal to learn the most basic phrases in foreign languages – however this is not entirely true. 

Abroad, amongst foreigners, I refuse to speak anything other than English but at home, amongst polite company, I am given to the occasional quotation, clever turn of phrase or et patati et patata documenting, my, if you will, touha cestovatelská. 

I have frequently used the aformentioned phrases although not accurately, as I do not know what they mean.

I would recommend all self-respecting travelers to crash a dinner party, family reunion or baby shower in order to corner a vulnerable guest and establish your inherent authority by relaying tales of travel (preferably to Europe) - salted and peppered, of course, with enchanting local vocabulary...



 
The most family friendly of the two results for "blow up doll" on Wikimedia Commons

Through the years I have entertained a long, strange and frequently dangerous game of one-upmanship with Ricky Rakubian, a charming rogue whom I consider the sub-continental Chuck Borgia.

As competing playboys, adventurers and generalized international misfits our long and storied rivalry started as mere schoolboy shenanigans but peaked in 1973 whenever a blow up doll prank nearly resulted in a second Sino-Indian War...




The 14th result for "clip joint" on Wikimedia Commons. Sexual pleasure mechanism, marijuana paraphernalia or German laboratory equipment - you be the judge

I cut my teeth in the Yakuza clip joints of Kabukichō, and as such have become something of a consultant for several well-known organized criminal organizations in the management of quasi-illegal fleshpots and titty bars from Chongquing to Burger King.

For the occasional exotic concubine, I, of course, rely upon the services of my resident procurer, Sven Svensen of the Stockholm Natural History Museum – however I understand that the casual tourist is not able to afford the monthly charges of a licensed, reliable and experienced Swedish procurer.

I would suggest caution in approaching the dive bars just a hop, skip and a jump away from the touristy parts of Western European cities – if the watered down cocktail and Russian bouncers aren’t enough to warrant a red flag, the Bulgarian and North African beauties who show an immediate and unrealistic interest in you should be...

Friday, November 29, 2013

Worms in the Ear



My latest exercise in the eldritch, Worms in the Ear, will appear in an upcoming edition of Under the Bed magazine.

If, like me, you enjoy the holiday season but are not willing to rabbit punch the elderly or trample strangers for the latest Cabbage Patch Kid, take note - each issue is available to be purchased in the safety and security of your own home on your Nook or Kindle for just $3.99. 

The third search result for "trample" on Wikipedia