Night of the Lunkheads

       This subject is now well into his 40’s – a chubby, balding pathetic thing who spends most of his days and all of his nights whimpering in the corner of his padded cell about the “Lunkheads” peeking into his barred window.

       Here is a local newspaper article detailing the quite sad and cheerless history of poor little Mr. Billy Robert Tilly. As with our other cases some of the names of victims have been changed or omitted.

Figure 3.1 - Document detailing some of the past experiments involving ____ ______ Mental Hospital and its staff

Night of the Lunkheads

The Weller Register, October 28th, 1991
Babs Saunders, associate reporter

     Let’s be honest folks, summers here have always hot and humid and miserable! Our children have never seemed to mind too much, I remember how the Baker boys, Julie Scott and her sisters and other kids from Central used to raise Cain up and down the black top road stretching from the municipal park to Elsberry Creek. That stretch of Copley Road back then was overgrown and rugged but still dotted by a few gas stations and the high school baseball field (go Tigers!). This was long before the convenience and ease of open-air shopping malls and MONDO-Mart centers – back whenever we were just another little hick town, and not the booming and charming bedroom community of today.

     Back then once you went past Elsberry Creek the road got rougher, the terrain hairier. The trees got taller and more gnarled, the only signs of human life the occasional beaten up farmhouse well off the road. A lonely two lane jaunt of a few miles until you hit the bridge going over the interstate. Back then that part of Copley Road wasn’t shunned, but nobody went out of their way to travel it either (I know I sure didn’t!).

     The kids never did – there was something scary and gloomy about the way the branches of trees knotted over Copley Road. There had always been the rumors – a lot of silliness about “Lunkheads” - shy, ghoulish creatures said to have big black eyes (BOO!).

Figure 3.2 - An example of hydrocephalus, frequently cited as a rational explanation to the "Lunkhead" phenomena

     No, but seriously, after the three children went missing that winter in 1979, their bodies later found not far from the interstate in the woods near Copley and Stratton Road, there were the whispers from the older folks. I have always said there is a time and place for ghost stories, and a time and place for grown-up ghost stories. Unfortunately, one of our wonderful children at the time had trouble differentiating between the two.

     I’m showing my age but I clearly remember that spring we heard about the brand new interstate exit to Weller – and talk of the rising property values, new jobs and businesses that were sure to follow. In fact it only took a few months for the signs of life to start showing down Copley Road – but imagine my horror as a loving mother and parent at the announcement of a new video arcade parlor, Dualtron, to be built at the exit. This is the original text for a Dualtron advertisement which popped up in a March, 1981 edition of the Weller Register:

Figure 3.3 - An artist's interpretation of Polybius, a game allegedly housed at the Dualtron at the time of the infamous "Night of the Lunkheads"

Apocalypse A.D. - Venture back into the long abandoned cities to rescue your family from the humanoid plague. With brand new Periscope Viewfinder!

Lords of Carnage III - The Lords have returned to wreck vengeance on the Nuclear Church! Both one and two player mode!

The Golden Triangle - Can you move the small white circles out of the large yellow triangle?

Soviet Death Force - Escape the Iron Curtain and evade the Soviet Death Force!

Polybius – Can you destroy all the spinning polygons and triangles and find your way out of the maze? 

Giallo Murder Mystery IV - The police and killer are looking for you. Can you solve the Giallo Murder Mystery IV?

Space Violators II - The space violators are returning to Earth, do you have what it takes to defeat them?

Pinball Machines! Hockey Enforcer II, Beach Babe Patrol, Driller Killer, Canadian Mounty, Frankenstein’s Castle

     Violators. Plague. Murder. Death. Carnage. Destroy. And, of course, beach babes and driller killers! These are the sorts of values being instilled in our children?  I do know one thing. Our little ones never travelled past Elsberry Creek until then – I’ll never forget how I felt the first time I saw those tikes riding bicycles up and down that abandoned three mile stretch of Copley Road to reach the interstate and the Dualtron Arcade. 

     And then there was the Night of the Lunkheads, as it came to be known later on during the trial of Billy Tilly in the gruesome murders of four other children that attended Central. For those of you who missed all the news stories following the July murders in 1982 (covered throughout the tri-state area), Carol Petersen, Patrick Brooks, Glenn Newbury and Joyce Harris (all little angels from Central) were found mangled and mutilated in the woods near Copley Road. William Tilly was found nearby covered with blood and muttering about the “Lunkheads”.
 

Figure 3.4 - An arcade video machine salvaged from the Dualtron arcade. Could this have inspired Billy Tilly to commit mass murder?

         I knew William Tilly as an adorable little cherub with rosy cheeks and a heart of gold. He played fourth grade baseball and basketball for Central, and regularly attended my church with his family. What could have gone so wrong? Due to the grisly and horrific nature of the crimes, Tilly was prosecuted as an adult. A transcript of his testimony, as recorded by the court stenographer on January 26^th, 1983: 

         Cross Examination of William R. Tilly

Let the record reflect the presence of the jury at 1:03 p.m.

THE CLERK:        Please Mr. Tilly state your name for the record.

MR. TILLY:           William Robert Tilly

THE CLERK:        Thank you Mr. Tilly.

CROSS EXAMINATION

MR. HEWITT:   On the night in question, July 22, 1981, you indicated that you left the Dualtron Arcade with Misses Petersen and Harris and Misters Brooks and Newbury?

A                            I did.

Q                           Yes or no will do, son.

A                            Yes.

Q                           And you claimed that this was approximately ten o’clock at night, and you had stayed out past curfew?

A                           Yes.

Q                          You claim that near the intersection of Oldfield Road and Copley Road, you and the victims left your bicycles and went into the woods?

A                           Yes.

Q                          You claimed that this was the “Night of the Lunkheads” (some laughter in courtroom). Mr. Tilly, what do you purport a “Lunkhead” to be?

A                          We just saw eyes, I mean, there were dark eyes staring at us from the woods. I never believed the stories either, they were, there were about seven or eight of them.

Q                          The Lunkheads? Mr. Tilly, you are not answering my question.

A                           The Lunkheads, are, or well, were short, with pale skin and big black eyes and big heads. They were, they appeared to be not human.

Q                           Mr. Tilly, what happened to your friends that night?

A                            They were attacked, well, killed by the Lunkheads. As soon as we stopped our bikes more came from behind us, we tried, well, we did run into the woods but there were more of them. They’re still, I mean, they’re still in those woods.

Q                           Who are still in those woods, Mr. Tilly?

A                            The Lunkheads.

Q                            I am finished with my cross examination.

***

     I’ve always been a big fan of the latest high profile trials (mostly murders but I’ll settle for a good robbery or rape if need be) and I followed the Billy Tilly trial like a hawk. I really thought at first an outsider (of Weller, certainly not an outsider of this dimension or planet!) had attacked and killed those poor children. As the trial went on for a couple months I had to admit to myself the God honest truth - poor little Billy Tilly was a murderer.

     The court ultimately decided that Tilly was not guilty by reason of insanity, and that at the time of the murders, Mr. Tilly “did not possess a state of mind conducive to understanding the nature and impact of his actions due to repeated exposure to video arcade machines”.

Figure 3.5 - An amusing recent puzzle take-off on the "Lunkheads" phenomena. Can you find the six "Lunkheads" hiding in this picture? Bonus: Can you find the "S" graffiti on the tree?

     And oh boy, were we Wellerites not happy about that! The decision was so controversial that Tilly was committed to an undisclosed mental asylum, the name of which has still not been released to area newspapers. William Tilly (now in his early 20’s) will be released whenever mental health experts deem him to no longer be a threat to society.

     It’s been nearly a decade now – the Dualtron has long since closed, Tilly is still committed, and the children still ride their bicycles up and down Copley Road - but not past Elsberry Creek. That’s all changing soon – the woods up and down Copley Road are being bulldozed for the Pine Springs Shopping Plaza, Twin Oaks Minimall, a MONDO-Mart Center, a Giuseppe’s Pizza Pie franchise location and several housing subdivisions.

Figure 3.6 - Several of the video arcade machines from Dualtron said to have inspired the Billy Tilly murders have become popular and highly sought-after pieces of "murderabilia"

     The husband and yours truly are enjoying our new home on that once spooky, scary section of Copley Road (BOO!). It’s nice to see the folks of Weller put the past behind us, even as my youngest darling, precocious child complains that the Lunkheads are looking into her window every night!

***

     A rather tragic ending for poor little Mr. Billy Robert Tilly. He remains in our care, and he always will. As for the notorious Weller child murders? Several “copycats” of Mr. Tilly have murdered nine more children in a similar fashion since this article by Mrs. Saunders was published as a local piece for Halloween in 1991.

As for the Lunkheads just remember to check outside your house tonight before you go to sleep for any short, pale creatures with huge heads and big, black eyes (BOO!).

Figure 3.7 - Up the stairs and to the right for the ____ ______ Mental Hospital game and rec room. And no, poor little Billy Tilly has never been given access to our video arcade machines...

Confidence, Polyglotism and Hitler's Missing Testicle - Notes from a Traveler

 In spite of my extensive travels I have made a point of never learning or using the local native language – not even the most basic of introductory greetings. Polyglotism amongst native English speakers is considered, at best, an indication of weakness to the loose officials and corrupt women a Westerner so often encounters in the second and third world…

My resident procurer, Sven Svensen of the Stockholm Natural History Museum, is renowned for his expertise in Pre-Columbian death cults and enjoys a certain international infamy for his lucrative business as an exotic provider of mistresses for dictators worldwide. 

As a young man the slender Swede enjoyed some measure of popularity as a rent-boy amongst the higher Nazi echelon but it was his Leningrad tryst with the alleged beard of a Georgian NKVD officer that allowed him to smuggle the Soviets' most prized possession out of a vault from underneath the Kremlin, a well-preserved memento from their Great Patriotic War – Adolf Hitler’s lone testicle…


 

Smut, political cartoon, failed visual analogy or all (or none) of the above? You be the judge

As in polite Western society, abroad I have found that confidence, and arrogantly acting as though you know what you are doing even though you do not, is always effective…

The Drunk

     

     She’s an elderly woman with one foot in the grave, the other in the saloon. Regularly in and out of our substance abuse ward, her story goes to show that some cautionary tales, no matter how horrifying, are simply not terribly effective to an accomplished addict. This is the story of the drunk. 

Figure 2.1 - A charming photograph showing former ____ ______ Mental Hospital staff performing a lobotomy.

The Drunk

The woman and the other two men at the bar that particular night were certified drunks, and drunks amongst drunks. There are the open mic amateur night drinkers, there are the weekend warriors, and there are those sad souls in the trenches drinking alone on any given Tuesday night. And then there are the drunks. These are the addicts who take their addiction and self destruction to nearly poetic levels. And this woman and the two men were all drunks.

The bane of any addict is the necessary acquisition of more of the addictive substance. This is the cross to carry for any addict – and for a drunk that means never-ending trips to gas stations for beer, to liquor stores for booze. And the sizeable amount of money this eventually requires has driven otherwise reasonable men and women to humiliation through canned heat, mouthwash, rubbing alcohol, etc.

     They call them the jitterbugs, the DTs, the creepy crawlies, the pink elephants. This is the second cross to carry for the addict – withdrawal. Alcohol withdrawal is the worst drug withdrawal, and the only withdrawal which can actually kill the addict. And our drunks were out of their addictive substance, and out of money and on the cusp of the throes of withdrawal. 

Enter the stranger, maybe a little on the lanky side but handsome. A tall man in a cowboy hat, a cowboy with a charming manner and more than enough money to spare for a round of beers, two rounds of beer. And another round of beer and shots of whiskey for good measure. As the beer and whiskey flowed and delight and delirium overtook the woman, she was more than happy to take up the cowboy on his invitation to dance. And they danced. Several songs, each faster and more uptempo than the last. Another few beers and another few shots and more dancing, so fast and dizzying that she felt she may nearly collapse.

And then the joy of alcoholic stupor gave way to something quite disturbing as she noticed the stranger did not possess feet, but hooves. This, of course, is the point at which she had her moment of clarity, abandoned the party and promised to never touch a drop again. Her friends were not quite so fortunate. Joining the cowboy for a trip down 16 to Rodeo Clown Liquor, they were killed in a vehicle head-on collision. Two mangled corpses were pulled from the wreckage but the cowboy’s body was never found, and he was never seen again.

Figure 2.2 - A quaint inset from a larger vintage color magazine advertisement for a long defunct local liquor store, Rodeo Clown Liquor

***

     And our heroine stayed true to her word, and stayed sober? No. She is still a drunk, and drinks daily to this day. From a long line of drinkers, she’s said to prefer a certain variety of Appalachian moonshine that’ll make you howl at the moon. As for the effectiveness of this cautionary tale? I’ve already killed a six pack of beer from MONDO-Mart as I’ve typed it.

Figure 2.3 - A residence hall of ____ ______ Mental Hospital. Always room for one more...

Glade Air Freshener or Blue Moon Beer Variation?

In a brief departure from the good doctor's generalized spookiness, a bit of trivia from the hottest new phenomenon overtaking the country - Glade Air Freshener or Blue Moon Beer Variation?

Can you differentiate a variety of A) Glade Air Freshener from B) a specialized version of Blue Moon beer? The following twelve, six from each category, have been randomized with the answer key below.


Pure Vanilla Joy
Pineapple & Mangosteen
Spiced Amber
Agave Nectar
Creamy Custard
Cashmere Woods
Dark Chocolate Bacon
Raspberry Cream
Orchard Apple Cinnamon
Harvest Moon Pumpkin
Jubilant Rose
Blackberry Tart
























Answer Key:   

Pure Vanilla Joy - Glade
Pineapple & Mangosteen - Glade
Spiced Amber - Blue Moon
Agave Nectar - Blue Moon
Creamy Custard - Glade
Cashmere Woods - Glade
Dark Chocolate Bacon - Blue Moon
Raspberry Cream - Blue Moon
Orchard Apple Cinnamon - Glade
Harvest Moon Pumpkin - Blue Moon
Jubilant Rose - Glade
Blackberry Tart - Blue Moon

An Introduction

    

     
     Greetings, I am Dr. Frederick von Gastly, a practicing psychiatrist and physician at the ____ ______ Mental Hospital. I have long been fascinated by phobias and dread, and amongst our colorful selection of patients I have isolated the five most disturbing and disquieting cases involving abject terror. 

Figure 1.1 - ____ ______ Mental Hospital (currently undergoing renovations)

     

     I will admit that case studies are not the best means of research, but unfortunately my own past experiments (much maligned and misunderstood by my narrow-minded contemporaries) forced me entirely out of academia altogether, although I was more than happy to accept the position as Chief of Psychiatry at ____ ______. That being said, each week this month I will release a new case study along with any available corroborating evidence.

Dr. F. von Gastly M.D. PhD.

Figure 1.2 - The entrance to our esteemed Department of Psychiatry

Tales of the Mad and the Macabre

This October we will introduce a new contributor, one Dr. Frederick von Gastly, a noted psychiatrist who will present five case studies, along with corroborating pictures and evidence, on the nature of phobias and dread.

His research, subtly titled The Collective Phobias and Horrors of Mental Institition Patients: An Examination into the Lurking Dread and Fear Experienced by the Insane, will be introduced next Tuesday by the good doctor himself followed by a new case study each Friday, with the final study to be released on Hallowe'en.

Abstract:

Dr. Frederick von Gastly

The Collective Phobias and Horrors of Mental Institition Patients: An Examination into the Lurking Dread and Fear Experienced by the Insane

This research is comprised of five unique case studies (The Drunk, Night of the Lunkheads, The Bell County Incident, The Meat Addict, The Tickler) on the lives and phobias of patients at the ___ ______ Mental Hospital.

The purpose of this research is in documenting and identifying abject horror. In my studies I have yet to isolate terror into a pure, unadulterated form but hope to contribute to that particular field of research with these case studies. I am confident that with continued research (and funding from some rather interested parties) we will soon discover the nature and causes of phobia. 

Chuck Borgia Emporium

Having more than a passing knowledge of the evils of white slavery, buggery, impressment and the opium trade has more than prepared me for the devious and disreputable internet t-shirt business.

A Summoning of Spirits

Update: As I've been far too lazy to bother to construct my website, I'll be using blogspot for the forseeable future.

Look for my latest tale of the terrifying, A Summoning of Spirits, in the November 17th issue of Schlock!.

A Review: Fuller K. LaRouche – The Exemplary Demon Child

To the propagators of referer spam, you will suffer an excruciating ass tickle which lasts the next three popeships. For the rest, a literary review...

      A slight odor of coconut vagina, which is to say, if coconuts had vaginas, or rather, if vaginas had coconuts. A wispy and tell-tale sting of almond oblivion dovetailing into a maelstrom of blueberry ecstasy – a necessary sort of transition, no doubt, so as to not fatigue the palate and confuse the senses.

     I speak, of course, of Fuller K. LaRouche’s latest diatribe in the demonic – a testimonial of his trials and tribulations against tyranny and typhoid fever – his latest magnum opus, the subtly titled Flagellating My Penis.

     LaRouche has truly transcended the art form and redefined the English language. Not content to merely ape societal trifles, his “penis flagellation” is the not the act of sex organ punishment but a profound exploration of words, language, and culture. Our Judeo-Christian bias confirms that any and all flagellation must include corporal punishment, guilt and/or leather, and homo-erotic latencies. However, flagellation can refer to a form of locomotion – and in this piece of neo-realist literary pre-cum exists a sort of existentialist epiphany – his character’s penis has developed quite literal flagellum appendages and extremities.

     LaRouche is the exemplary artistic demon child, and his extensive work has brought much-needed attention to the plight of urban middle to upper class whites struggling with depression, post-college angst and psychological disorders hampering their abilities to form long-lasting meaningful relationships. And yet his prose, at times both harsh and sensitive, speaks to the souls of the downtrodden, the blue collar, and those unfortunate enough to suffer the economic hardship of adjunct American lagers.

     Flagellating My Penis is the new standard of literary shock, and his succinct descriptions of severing his penis flagellum is a metaphor for the manner in which pop culture has severed its meaningful relationship with art. Not content with standard genre vacuities, LaRouche demands that his audience both appreciate and understand themes within themes, and motifs within motifs.

 

Vintage Ads from October 1984 Issue of Black Belt Magazine